You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
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Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
one last job
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco