If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
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[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.