An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
You Might Also Like
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
even bears disappoint their mothers
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters