I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
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Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.