The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
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Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy