I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
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Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
But wait…
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
inventing words: clothing
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Guilty! 🤪
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.