my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
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Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Just me and my debit card against the world
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
My current situation
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.