*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
You Might Also Like
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.