3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
You Might Also Like
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
dogs can find happiness so easily
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.