“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
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Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster