[at funeral] You really had to see him live
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It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.