I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
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T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.