ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
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Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.