My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
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If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Never forget.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
When you’ve simply given up.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.