Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
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It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that