Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
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Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Meowchelangelo
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT