If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
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sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money