Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
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If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?