When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
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Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
When you’re Kinky but poor
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.