I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
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PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop: