Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
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Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.