Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
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[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
How to make infinite energy.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!