Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
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“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat