How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
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Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
finally
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.