me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
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“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I’ve been drinking.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”