COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
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a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.