OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
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friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
oh you wanna fight?!
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.