*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
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I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*