Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
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If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
the short answer to this question
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.