Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
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I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.