Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
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[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains