Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
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Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
huge valentines day plans this year!!
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.