I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
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My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Weirdly Wednesday.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection