Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
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I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I only treason on days ending in y
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy