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If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.