Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
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Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
mood
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.