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Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
rapatouille
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today