If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
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You when you started twitter vs. you now.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
i did the math
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.