My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
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It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Do not levitate over flowers
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me