6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
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There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early