I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
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If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.