I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
You Might Also Like
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
*seductively eats two tums*
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..