In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
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I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Its true…
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.