The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
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Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake