*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
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Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles