If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
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The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.