Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
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One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.