“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
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My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Pigeon open mic night.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake