Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
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Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I’m listening
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.