I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
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So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!